Monday, October 22, 2012

Halloween Is A Dumb Holiday!

Someone has to say it.

Or am I just jaded and angry because I have lost my little girls to Teenager Halloween?

I never really liked Halloween. It was always tradition so I went along with tradition. But now that the kids are getting older, Halloween is intolerable.

I admit having enjoyed sewing their toddler costumes and watching my girls glow under the light of the carved pumpkin we’d gutted for decoration and seeds. I even bought the Halloween accoutrements; my favorite being the witch’s hand bowl that will grab yours as you dig in for your treat. Yes, those were good times except for the Halloween hangovers filled with exhaustion, sore throats and runny noses, all biological consequences of deluging your body with sugar.

Today, sugar is the least of my worries.

You’d think I would be upset about our material world gone crazy obsessive about making money to the point of convincing people we must now string orange lights around our houses.  A commercial nightmare, Target has eight aisles filled with sugar and Chinese plastic. Also, who is splaying their bushes with that white cotton?  One might assume that Halloween stuff, having quadrupled its volume of sales in a year (don't quote me on that), is what’s irritating me.

But that’s not it.  People can string lights. That’s fine. I’m a capitalist sympathizer. No worries. What does bug me though is when I walk through the store and see young moms tossing bags of candy into their carts and reaching for the fairy costume as their daughters beg for the purple one. It is then that my heart breaks. I want to pull those moms aside and say, “Enjoy this while you can! Take lots of pictures! Hold your babies at night!”

I stand there and want to yell, “Yeah, you just wait. That Little Mermaid grows a rack and – overnight – turns into iParty’s sex object. Your cute little kitties become all grown-up and fodder for gawking men. What was sweet and pumpkin just turns all slutty and scary.” I want to scream in the middle of Target. “You just wait!”

Long gone are the simple hayrides where we curled up under a blanket with a full moon overhead, and a possible sheeted ghost flying from the tree branches. In Teenager Halloween, it is a full-blown chainsaw massacre with the damsel’s boobs hanging out of her frightened chest as she traipses across the theme park donning her fishnets. Now she holds a knife dripping with fake blood repeating to herself, “I didn’t mean to kill her.” She follows your babies onto the roller coaster with her eyes glazed over, “I didn’t mean to kill her.” She’s probably got a “handle” of vodka stashed in her car. “I didn’t mean to kill her.” This is Teenager Halloween.

I shudder and go to my happy place where they are still begging to dress up like Hermione from Harry Potter and visit Grandma.

Lately, I’m lost looking at pictures of the Halloweens I thought I hated. I miss those days. At dinner, I beg the girls to carve the pumpkin with me. No time. Too much homework. I ask if I can sew something. Nah, I’ll just grab something at iParty. Do you want to go buy candy with me? Silence.

“Sure, Mom. I’ll go with you. You’re not buying pencils this year, are you?”

“No, I’ll get all the chocolate you want,” I say.

I’ll take the Halloween hangover.

(Photo credit: Lifted from Google images)


  1. You're my hero, Sally. :) My girls are going to be a racoon and a bunny.

    1. They were adorable, Stephanie! I miss those days.

  2. I hear you LOUD and clear. Luckily, I get to make a Queen Elizabeth I costume - just not for Halloween - for acting class the week after Halloween. Just the same, I will get to share with my 16 year old the experience of shopping for all the material and 'notions', laying out and cutting the pattern... Wait, I did 90% of that by myself? Why? because I would prefer not to be sewing for 24 hours the day before it is due? And when it is finished, I will see her in it and she will be beautiful and she will be grateful (thankfully she is pretty good at the thankful part)...and I will take lots of pictures and show them to everyone, just like I did when I made those Halloween costumes when she was little - and it will make me happy. BTW I actually love Halloween.

    1. Wow. I'm impressed!! A Queen Elizabeth costume? I have yet to see your kids in a performance. Can you tell me where they'll be? I so loved that portrait that Sharon took of them!! They're so GROWN UP! How does this happen???

  3. My candy is bought and hidden away. I'll make up a bag for each of the kids with their favorites. I've deemed them too old to go trick or treating and they have no interest in going some where big. In the past they have volunteered at the fire house Halloween party and handed out candy. I'm hoping we get a bunch of trick or treaters - the wee cute ones.
    Oh, and I guess I should throw out the last of "my" halloween candy from last year. I never did finish it as a kid either.

    1. I didn't know I had any comments! Usually, I write to the black hole. This is fun. Anyway, Halloween is long gone and now we're into Thanksgiving. What did you do with all of last year's candy??? Are they still gnawing at this year's? I finally tossed the bag this weekend.